you ever feel?

like no matter how hard you try, the pieces of the puzzle just don't go together? i mean, they are all right there. most of them, you even know where they go. when you grab one and put it in place, another one seems to have gone astray. so, you stretch again in the other direction, grab another piece, ooops. wrong one, try again. a lot of days, i feel like i have to put the puzzle together while running on a treadmill. bummer when a piece falls then! i don't give up easily, though. life to me is still a participant sport, one that can't be played while watching life go by. i still like to do things myself, or at least try. i know i'm not always right, i do lots of things wrong, for sure. i could use an instruction manual, although experience has taught me to ignore the manual anyway until i've done things wrong at least once. my dad died 15 years ago yesterday. he was 72, but i think he was a man when he was 10. i mean, it just never seemed like he was ever less than an adult...maybe his life was too serious from the get-go. at 39, i still don't feel like the man i thought my dad was. i don't feel like i make the most adult decisions until i have screwed things up, again, at least twice. i don't feel like my dad did that. he just seemed like a man all of his life, and i feel like a kid in an older persons body.

man, i need a dr. pepper.